So I’ve been out of hospital for two months now (tomorrow!) and all in all, I can’t complain about how things have gone. I am doing so well in terms of general fitness and whilst I’m definitely not doing as much as ‘pre-transplant’, I am doing much more than I’d expected at this stage. I regularly do a 40min-1 hour dog walk, cook, potter around the house doing chores etc and today, I did my first indoor bike ride! I am so proud that I managed to do 40 minutes, even if it wasn’t as fast or hard as I had been doing before. It makes me hope that I might manage to do that London to Paris in May for Myeloma UK…even if it is on an e-bike! (And assuming Covid doesn’t stop me 😦 )
We’re also well ahead for Christmas preparations with the Christmas cake made (didn’t quite get onto the mince pies – whoops), Christmas calendars put together, stocking fillers ordered and wrapped and a number of presents bought (If I’ve asked you for ideas and you haven’t given them to me, please do!!!). And don’t be cross that we’re ahead. If I don’t do this slowly but surely, we know from experience that I end up stressing and rushing and end up ill over Christmas. So Nick and I decided to start early so that we could reduce that level of stress. He’s even nearly finished the infamous Christmas newsletter!
But despite all of that and knowing how well we are/ I am doing, I feel really low at the moment and like I could just snap. In fact I am doing with the kids and most of the time they’re just being kids. And they’re bloody amazing kids too. But somehow I still manage to get cross about stupid stuff like exams and xboxes. In the grand scheme of things who really cares. Well me, obviously.
I keep feeling really teary and sad and I don’t really know why. Things are good. I couldn’t have asked to be in a better place, healthwise, at this moment in time. I’m trying to remember if the same happened last time round. I do remember feeling strangely low about things being ok again and I think that might be when I started on anti-depressants. But I’m already on those.
The only thing I wonder about is whether I’m just over-tired and therefore much more emotional. I don’t get to sleep well, and even then, only with the help of sleeping tablets. I have horribly aching calves at night and restless leg and arm syndrome (I think) and it means that everything aches/ hurts/ keeps me awake! Even during the day I’m finding my calves are painful but I can keep going through that as it’s generally when I’m still. So I probably get about 7-8 hours sleep a night when I could do with a lot more in my recovery phase – I reckon I need 8-9 hours when I’m 100% well.
I think there is also a bit of a case of ‘falling off the cliff’. I’ve been doing so well and been so positive for the last month, that perhaps it’s too much to keep up. I know that sounds silly but maybe I’m fooling myself a little bit about how hard this journey has been and still is. Maybe I’m just shattered mentally as well as physically.
Oh well. Hopefully writing this all down will help me a bit. It often does. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll wake up positive again – I really hope so.