Today has been a hard day….well that bit of the day that I’ve actually been up and about. The kids had a sleepover at a good friends house last night so again I had the house to myself. Nick went off to work early and I slept until around 11.30ish. Then I got up, pottered a bit, cleared up a bit for the cleaner (not much to do as Nick had done most of it last night), and started on making a loaf of bread. Cleaner came, and then I went back to bed.
But normally when I get up after an afternoon sleep, I feel better. Today I’ve just felt down and miserable. I want to do stuff, but am scared silly of doing so much and spoiling the next day (esp tomorrow as we will have the kids all day for the first time in ages!). But then I feel so lazy just doing my own sleeping thing when I feel I should be able to do more. And I think of doing less active stuff, like organising photos etc, but I just can’t be bothered! I can’t be bothered to do anything in fact. I feel so bad that I do so little to contribute. Nick is so so good about it and I have no pressure from him but then that sometimes makes it worse…..I just don’t know how much I should or shouldn’t try to do. And lots of people will tell me to ‘listen to my body’ but if I did that, all I’d do would be to sleep! And I want to do more than that.
Sam got home tonight and saw the loaf of bread rising on the kitchen floor (it is heated, I’m not just wierd!!) and I could hear him excitedly saying to Nick “Daddy, daddy, come and look; there’s bread in the corner in the kitchen…..it’s the nice bread”. It made me cry as it made me realise that to him, it was something that reminded him of normality….of how life had been before I went into hospital.
And I speak to people on the phone…..”yes, I’m doing fine” I say to everyone. Because I am really. In the grand scheme of things. And because no-one wants to hear that you’re feeling miserable. And no-one wants to get into a conversation where I cry and really say how I feel. Maybe that’s why lots of my friends don’t even call…..easier than having to have a difficult conversation if it came up – hard to have that happen too though.
Oh god, I just want to be back to normal, I want to feel normal and I want my life to be normal again. Soon.
Sorry, bad day.