Day 30 – Feeling a bit down

Today has been a hard day….well that bit of the day that I’ve actually been up and about. The kids had a sleepover at a good friends house last night so again I had the house to myself. Nick went off to work early and I slept until around 11.30ish. Then I got up, pottered a bit, cleared up a bit for the cleaner (not much to do as Nick had done most of it last night), and started on making a loaf of bread. Cleaner came, and then I went back to bed.

But normally when I get up after an afternoon sleep, I feel better. Today I’ve just felt down and miserable. I want to do stuff, but am scared silly of doing so much and spoiling the next day (esp tomorrow as we will have the kids all day for the first time in ages!). But then I feel so lazy just doing my own sleeping thing when I feel I should be able to do more. And I think of doing less active stuff, like organising photos etc, but I just can’t be bothered! I can’t be bothered to do anything in fact. I feel so bad that I do so little to contribute. Nick is so so good about it and I have no pressure from him but then that sometimes makes it worse…..I just don’t know how much I should or shouldn’t try to do. And lots of people will tell me to ‘listen to my body’ but if I did that, all I’d do would be to sleep! And I want to do more than that.

Sam got home tonight and saw the loaf of bread rising on the kitchen floor (it is heated, I’m not just wierd!!) and I could hear him excitedly saying to Nick “Daddy, daddy, come and look; there’s bread in the corner in the kitchen…..it’s the nice bread”. It made me cry as it made me realise that to him, it was something that reminded him of normality….of how life had been before I went into hospital.

And I speak to people on the phone…..”yes, I’m doing fine” I say to everyone. Because I am really. In the grand scheme of things. And because no-one wants to hear that you’re feeling miserable. And no-one wants to get into a conversation where I cry and really say how I feel. Maybe that’s why lots of my friends don’t even call…..easier than having to have a difficult conversation if it came up – hard to have that happen too though.

Oh god, I just want to be back to normal, I want to feel normal and I want my life to be normal again. Soon.

Sorry, bad day.

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About Deb Gascoyne

I am wife of one, mother of two and a person in my own right :-) I have used my diagnosis of myeloma to allow me to focus on what I CAN achieve and not what I can't. My blog is a way of me spilling out....it is for me more than you I'm afraid. But if it helps you along the way, that is an absolute bonus for me :-)
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4 Responses to Day 30 – Feeling a bit down

  1. feresaknit says:

    A health care assistant said to me that a SCT is more demanding on your body than heart bypass surgery. There is simply more to recover from BUT you don’t have a nice big scar to prompt you to be careful and take it easy so it all gets psychological! Try not to feel bad about feeling bad. Sleep’s good – Sleep is when your body can get down to round to doing some repairs and since it’s 6:28 and I only got up to powder my nose (not literally) and remembered I’d left the computer on I’m off to get some more! ;D

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  2. Hey Debs

    I do understand the rollercoaster of emotions you’re going through. My emotions are also up and down – more down actually. And the wanting to do more than you’re quite ready for. You know for yourself that you need to just take it one little step at a time and appreciate the things you can do. Baking bread sounds fab! What a lovely gift to your family. And if sleeping’s what’s required, then that’s what you need to do. In a few months’ time, this will just be a bad memory and you’ll be able to do so much more with your family.

    Apparently, patience is a virtue. LOL! I struggle with that too.

    I think it’s important to keep reminding yourself when you feel low that your body has basically been completely obliterated and brought back to life by the stem cell transplant. It’s not like you just had a simple appendectomy or something.

    Big hug to you and restful wishes
    Jet x

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  3. Scott Haigh says:

    Debs, perhaps ‘doing fine’ in the ‘grand scheme of things’ is being a bit unfair on yourself. The two comments above really echo my own thoughts and experiences. Be down if that is how you feel, be sleepy if that is how you feel and tell people how you are. Those out there that really are your friends will listen and will probably know if you are not ok. The rest do not matter in the ‘grand scheme of things’.

    If you can’t be bothered, don’t be and don’t feel guilty, let it be.

    Best Wishes.

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  4. Good advice from the three above – yes, your body has been stripped and restructured, and that includes hormones as well as all the other parts. If the depression continues, you might want to include some homeopathic SEPIA in your daily intake – it won’t, as far as I know, interfere or interact with other things and it does bring the mood up (it’s made from squid ink!!). A fair number of my friends who are highly sensitive to commercial depression pharmaceuticals take it regularly.

    As for the ‘doing fine’ message to friends, it isn’t fair to not tell them the truth and get some help. After all, most good friends really do want to help and if you keep pushing them off, then they can’t give you what you need. You still have another 60 days of recovery at least and even if all you want is someone to come in and have a cup of tea with you, then you have to be brave enough to say it as it is… “I am feeling pretty low right now, not ready for a long visit, but I’d love to have you come by for half an hour…” is a great way to open that door. Or, “I’m not very good company right now, but it would be wonderful if you could come by help me get the kids and Nick’s dinner…”

    I hope this is helpful, and certainly you don’t have to feel guilty about anything!!! You are coming back from something more than a minor surgery and the body does what it needs to do to get back to ‘normal.’

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