Day 34 – A Definite Step Forward

So the last few days have been really tough. Last night I spent half an hour sobbing at poor Nick about how much my feet hurt, how I couldn’t stand it and how I just wished I’d been run over by a bus rather than having to go through this. I felt so low and so despondant about where this whole thing was going to end up. I talked about taking this off facebook so that I could be more honest about how low I felt about my lilfe…..it felt like the blog had become an ‘update’ for everyone else rather than a way of me diarising this process which was how it had started. I couldn’t sleep, my feet were in agony and I was so so sad.

And today started badly too….I sat in my front room for nearly 2 hours just watching the trees and the rain outside….I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. Eventually I fell asleep for a couple of hours. And when I woke up something changed. I stopped using the delivery I was expecting as an excuse to not go out, and went and had a cup of tea with one of my lovely neighbours…..and it felt normal…..and I managed with her kids around….in fact it made me realise how much I need to get up and about again.

So when I left, I went home, picked up my wallet and went out. I went and picked up a prescription and then went on to the supermarket. It was the first time I had driven for 5 weeks and it felt GREAT to be out and about again. And going round Sainsbury’s was fine too…the only hard bit was waiting for a till at the end and that was when I really felt the pain in my feet. And when I got home, I made dinner too…well put it in the oven anyway! It all seems like mundane stuff but I am so proud of myself for the first time in ages….I feel good for having pushed myself and I feel good to have got off my backside too!! Now I just need to work out how to keep it up without overdoing it, but it is good to be back in the land of the living, rather than wallowing in self-pity. And I know I’m allowed to wallow at times, but it doesn’t make me feel good so I don’t want to do it more than necessary….last night I couldn’t see the end of my sadness….today there is some light and that feels so good. A definite step forward.

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About Deb Gascoyne

I am wife of one, mother of two and a person in my own right :-) I have used my diagnosis of myeloma to allow me to focus on what I CAN achieve and not what I can't. My blog is a way of me spilling out....it is for me more than you I'm afraid. But if it helps you along the way, that is an absolute bonus for me :-)
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One Response to Day 34 – A Definite Step Forward

  1. From what I know as a caregiver, there are stairsteps of good days with days where you need to regroup – so it sounds like you are making some good progress and not to be too surprised if you slide back a little once in awhile – or not… intending each day gives you hope for better days ahead!

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