Falling flat

I don’t know quite how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment. Maybe it’s all becoming a real anticlimax and that’s the issue. I just seem to be getting cross and frustrated so easily at the moment and I don’t know why. And worst still, I’m taking it out on the people I love the most….Nick and the kids. After all they put up with over the summer, none of them deserve this.

I am just so tired at the moment. My fault though. I totally overdid it with the tabletop sale and I haven’t properly stopped since. With that and only just having got over a cold, I’m pretty exhausted.

As I’m writing I’m thinking though. I have my first post-revlimid appointment tomorrow. I didn’t think I was worried about it; I’m not! But now I wonder if sub-consciously I am because this is how I used to be after I was diagnosed but before I started treatment – tetchy a few days before each appointment. Also, a couple of nights ago I dreamt that I was told I had relapsed! Now I know it was only a dream but I woke up pretty upset by it – one of those dreams where it takes a while to realise it wasn’t true. I’m not sure I can deal with this again every month. It is so horrid to feel out of control of my emotions. I’ll have to decide whether it’s bad enough to pull out if the trial and come off the maintenance therapy. I hope not. If I did and then I relapsed I’m not sure I could forgive myself for what I would have caused. I think I need to give it a few months anyway….and speak to them about whether revlimid can turn you into a stroppy cow (what a great excuse for everything if so!!!!)

On a happier note our neighbour had a gorgeous little boy yesterday. I got to have a cuddle with him today which was just lovely. Even sam seemed quite loved up with him at times. It is so good to have positive things to think about. We had my sister’s 50th at the weekend too which was just great. It was my second oldest sister who had come over from Beijing to look after the kids while I’d been in hospital. Luckily for us she and her husband had decided to come back again to celebrate it!! I’d gone shopping in Bicester with my 4 sisters on the Wednesday and then on the Friday we all went to Sutton where she was staying for champagne and a great Thai meal out. My brother joined us as did all the partners and I can’t remember as good a night for a long long time 🙂

The other piece of great news since I last wrote is that another of my sisters is a match for me!! I have a choice!! Well the hospital do anyway!! I keep joking that they’ll be fighting over me now….lol!! It is great news as it takes the pressure off the others in the family who would have been tested but who have really good reasons for holding back. So we’re all really pleased with how it all is. Hopefully I won’t need them for a long time yet!!

About Deb Gascoyne

I am wife of one, mother of two (& a dog!) and a person in my own right😊. I have used my diagnosis of myeloma to allow me to focus on what I CAN achieve and not what I can't. My blog is a way of me spilling out....it is for me more than you I'm afraid. But if it helps you along the way, that is an absolute bonus for me :-) Diagnosed in 2009 with smouldering myeloma, I started treatment in 2010 and had a SCT in 2011. I’ve been on maintenance since then until November 2018 but my figures went up so am now officially relapsed and have just started DVD treatment (July 2019)
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2 Responses to Falling flat

  1. Hey Deb. That is terrific to have more than one match. It’s great to even have one. I had a neighbor who was 1 of 8 siblings and not one of them matched her sister when she needed a transplant. Luckily, they found a match on the donor list and she’s been cured of her cancer, lymphoma or something, for years. Your moods may be hormonal. Tranplants and chemo can cause menopause and you get hit with all that lovely stuff all at once. I’m going through peri-menopause and between that and the stress, I struggle with bad moods too. I would bet the drastic hormone shift is definitely playing a role here. We celebrated my sister’s 50th too this weekend. 11/20 was the big day. Half a century. Wow. Hope you can catch up on rest and feel better.


  2. Tom Lappin says:

    Hi Debs
    Well I know how you feel am same when I do my bloods then have to wait four days for results (that I know are gonna be OK) but it dunt stop me avin a little worry 🙂
    And I also think you have overdone it you aint stopped have you 🙂 xx


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