Post 13 – Need to reboot!

Ok so I’m going to admit it. I am feeling really fed up and down about my 40 Challenges B440. In fact about all sorts of things.

Ever since the sponsored silence last week, I seem to have hit a bit of a low with the whole thing. And before anyone says it, I know that I’m doing well, I know that it is all sort of on target, and I know that it all looks great! But it is absolutely exhausting! Anyone who knows me will know that I don’t do anything by halves. I hate it when one of the challenges looks impossible and I hate it when it doesn’t work out.

I’m feeling like life is a bit tough at the moment. And at the moment I’ve got really conflicted thoughts running through my head as one of my friends has been dealt a rotten hand… feelings of day to day stuff seem madly insignificant. However, somehow I can’t shake how fed up I’m feeling. I think it is just that there is too much on my plate. I’m giving up work at the end of June and so that should make things better, but with that comes the need to find a new job. Whilst Nick is amazing and puts no pressure on for me to work again, I know that I need to work to be totally happy. I need to feel like I’m contributing financially. The idea is to look into doing social media for tiny businesses….to look after their twitter/facebook/blogging. But I know I have no experience of this, and I just don’t know where to start. All a bit scary.

But underneath it all is the pressure of the challenges. I always knew they’d be tough going. They look easy when you look at them individually but effectively I need to complete on average, one a week. And some of them are totally out of my control. Thank god for Nick is all I can say. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have put in even more difficult challenges. I do think that this might well be my last major fundraiser for some time. I ask so much of all my family and friends and I think that everyone has perhaps had enough now. They’re all ‘charitied out’! There is only so much you can ask people to keep donating to, and perhaps I’ve reached my limit now.

Don’t get me wrong. People are still most definitely supporting me. But trying to get people to support 40 different things in one year is pretty tough going. And I’m feeling the strain at the moment. Which isn’t quite the idea. Perhaps it will all feel a little easier once I finish my job at the ‘official’ charity (not Myeloma UK!). That has been a strain to an extent – I have felt like the knowledge I have hasn’t been able to be utilised. That it has sort of drifted away. All of that, along with the 40 challenges, has sort of made me feel the need for some sort of reboot. I need to find a way to feel re-engaged. And like what I do is worth it. At the moment I feel a bit useless to everyone.

I have got it pretty good. Don’t get me wrong. I know I am SO SO lucky in comparison to many of my friends and many people out there. I’m just feeling a little low at the moment and needed to write it down. I’m a bit worried about even doing that now that my blog is more public, but I remind myself that this was always meant to be about me and not everyone else out there. It was meant to be my form of a diary. So I will post no matter how self-indulgent it may seem to others. And then I will reboot at some stage and get on with it all again……just give me a few days to get there.

About Deb Gascoyne

I am wife of one, mother of two (& a dog!) and a person in my own right😊. I have used my diagnosis of myeloma to allow me to focus on what I CAN achieve and not what I can't. My blog is a way of me spilling is for me more than you I'm afraid. But if it helps you along the way, that is an absolute bonus for me :-) Diagnosed in 2009 with smouldering myeloma, I started treatment in 2010 and had a SCT in 2011. I’ve been on maintenance since then until November 2018 but my figures went up so am now officially relapsed and have just started DVD treatment (July 2019)
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6 Responses to Post 13 – Need to reboot!

  1. Vicky Reed says:

    Sending you hugs. You are allowed a wobble. Xxxx


  2. Your family and most importantly you, are what it’s all about!!…just reassess…why not just stop now and ask everybody to give you £4 to finish early…and celebrate your achievements b440 as a whole…then spend the rest of the year doing things with your family and friends, recharge your battery’s and who knows after that x


    • Deb Gascoyne says:

      Oh Jo…if only it was so simple. I hate failing at anything. It is bad enough that I have given up work because I couldn’t make it work…I HAVE to make this work somehow or I will feel I have failed at everything. You’ll get to know me soon enough…I have very high expectations of myself and struggle to lower them! No matter how much it screws me up! I want to reach my target of £10,000 now and more than that I want to achieve all 40. Stupid I know. I plan to recharge next year!


  3. Deborah says:

    Hi Debs
    I think it’s important to share the good times and the times when we are struggling. It reminds others that we are not super human even if we do stay positive much of the time. I need to raise some money for you but I am not well enough at the moment and need to get through the stem cell transplant first. I also need to think about how to raise my £1,000 or even £400 if I think that’s too much of a challenge.
    Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel in the moment and dream about the exciting times ahead. I wonder what new job you will have and what opportunities that will open up. I was devastated when my career came to an end and I was forced to take early retirement but since then I have developed some resources and written some booklets for my old trust. When one door closes another one opens.
    Good luck
    Deborah x


  4. Stick at it, it’s really tough but worth it in the end. The hardest thing is finding time, but see if there are some you can do at the same time to give you a week off, like making the cakes and selling them with a cup of tea which then takes the pressure off a bit. I managed to do 5 of mine in one day which helped motivate me and put me back on track. Just think how amazing you will feel on your birthday knowing what you have achieved. And it will continue to motivate you long after your birthday.


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