Ok so I’m going to admit it. I am feeling really fed up and down about my 40 Challenges B440. In fact about all sorts of things.
Ever since the sponsored silence last week, I seem to have hit a bit of a low with the whole thing. And before anyone says it, I know that I’m doing well, I know that it is all sort of on target, and I know that it all looks great! But it is absolutely exhausting! Anyone who knows me will know that I don’t do anything by halves. I hate it when one of the challenges looks impossible and I hate it when it doesn’t work out.
I’m feeling like life is a bit tough at the moment. And at the moment I’ve got really conflicted thoughts running through my head as one of my friends has been dealt a rotten hand…..my feelings of day to day stuff seem madly insignificant. However, somehow I can’t shake how fed up I’m feeling. I think it is just that there is too much on my plate. I’m giving up work at the end of June and so that should make things better, but with that comes the need to find a new job. Whilst Nick is amazing and puts no pressure on for me to work again, I know that I need to work to be totally happy. I need to feel like I’m contributing financially. The idea is to look into doing social media for tiny businesses….to look after their twitter/facebook/blogging. But I know I have no experience of this, and I just don’t know where to start. All a bit scary.
But underneath it all is the pressure of the challenges. I always knew they’d be tough going. They look easy when you look at them individually but effectively I need to complete on average, one a week. And some of them are totally out of my control. Thank god for Nick is all I can say. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have put in even more difficult challenges. I do think that this might well be my last major fundraiser for some time. I ask so much of all my family and friends and I think that everyone has perhaps had enough now. They’re all ‘charitied out’! There is only so much you can ask people to keep donating to, and perhaps I’ve reached my limit now.
Don’t get me wrong. People are still most definitely supporting me. But trying to get people to support 40 different things in one year is pretty tough going. And I’m feeling the strain at the moment. Which isn’t quite the idea. Perhaps it will all feel a little easier once I finish my job at the ‘official’ charity (not Myeloma UK!). That has been a strain to an extent – I have felt like the knowledge I have hasn’t been able to be utilised. That it has sort of drifted away. All of that, along with the 40 challenges, has sort of made me feel the need for some sort of reboot. I need to find a way to feel re-engaged. And like what I do is worth it. At the moment I feel a bit useless to everyone.
I have got it pretty good. Don’t get me wrong. I know I am SO SO lucky in comparison to many of my friends and many people out there. I’m just feeling a little low at the moment and needed to write it down. I’m a bit worried about even doing that now that my blog is more public, but I remind myself that this was always meant to be about me and not everyone else out there. It was meant to be my form of a diary. So I will post no matter how self-indulgent it may seem to others. And then I will reboot at some stage and get on with it all again……just give me a few days to get there.