A day of reflection

I’m feeling really unfocused today – for the first time in ages I can’t stop thinking about my mum. It’s not surprising really. It’s the date of her official inquest today, nearly 6 months after she died at the roadside after that terrible accident. Perhaps I shouldn’t have put the date in my diary. It keeps pinging up to tell me that it happened. And then I made the mistake of googling to see if anything had been reported….surprisingly the Oxford press had reported 3 minutes before it was due to start, that it was happening. Nothing more since. So of course now, despite being at work, my mind is all over the place. I just want to go home and have a bit of a cry.

The silly thing is that I’ve read the coroners report….as horrible as that was. I know there is unlikely to be anything else that is said. I just really wish I had gone to the inquest. I didn’t because I didn’t want to have to hear all the facts verbally. She suffered such horrific injuries, we can only really be grateful that she didn’t survive it. But I wish that I had heard what was said…and that I had got the closure that I think I just need to have.

Don’t get me wrong. I have coped so well with the fact she is no longer here. I think the whole family has. It is strange really, but it’s true. I don’t miss her every minute of every day and I haven’t cried for months until today. I know we are so lucky to be able to deal with it in this way as for so many people they struggle so much with the death of a parent. I think her faith, my dads faith and the independence that she gave us all has really helped.

But just for today….and maybe for a few additional days in the future, I am feeling really, really sad. All I can do is picture her by the roadside.

I want a big hug from her…. and I’ll never have that again.


About Deb Gascoyne

I am wife of one, mother of two and a person in my own right :-) I have used my diagnosis of myeloma to allow me to focus on what I CAN achieve and not what I can't. My blog is a way of me spilling out....it is for me more than you I'm afraid. But if it helps you along the way, that is an absolute bonus for me :-)
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One Response to A day of reflection

  1. My belief system holds that however dreadful the physical death might have been, the spirit lives on and is very active and aware… after my mum died in a shocking way, I went to hear John Edward, a medium and author of “Crossing Over,” which was a profound experience. He tuned in to her energy and gave me a message (I was one of hundreds in the audience) that assured me she is still very capable of ‘tuning in’ to my life if she chooses. I tell you this to encourage you to look (or listen) for some sign that she is close. Something special she liked in music plays someplace least expected, something of hers is found, other signs of her attention on you. I hope this is a comfort and that you are blessed with a happy dream about her to ease your heart.


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