Depression is so real. I’m not sure that people always believe that, even today, but as someone who lives with it, it sometimes has a huge impact on my life…and more than that, on the life of my family and friends.
If you read my last blog post, you will know that I have been struggling quite a lot over the last week or so. It happened pretty suddenly, and I think that there were a couple of triggers. My back has been causing me lots of pain, and then I had my dara treatment, including steroids. I think the crash from the steroids, along with the pain just tipped me over the edge from being able to cope with everything in my life, to really not caring about anything in my life.
To begin, I feel a tiny bit better today. I’m not cross with my whole family which is a great start. Not that they had done anything wrong, but I was just reading into everything and feeling like they didn’t care, weren’t helping and were almost out to upset me. I can see now that was absolute rubbish, but at the time it felt so real. I felt like the world was crashing in around me and that no-one understood, not even those closest to me. So I went to bed and stayed there, nursing my hot water bottle and dosing myself up with paracetamol.
The problem with depression is that it is often very hard for anyone to help you out of it. Well it is for me anyway. Nick has learnt over the years that whilst he shouldn’t allow me to dwell and sink too much, that he also has to give me space to come out of it in my own time. I’m sure everyone handles it differently. It’s such a strange thing to try to explain to people without sounding like I’m attention seeking. But at my lowest points, I often contemplate whether it is all worth continuing and whether people wouldn’t be better off if my condition could no longer be treated. I know that isn’t true once I start to feel better but it is such a genuine yet horrid place to be. I was just so fed up of everything that I was dealing with.
As I said, things are starting to improve a little. My back is a bit better and my GP has given me co-codamol and diazepam…..so I’m probably a bit spaced out writing this…and maybe a bit less emotional. Can only be good. I’m hoping that these help me resolve the back problems as then I can get back to proper exercise….again something that really helps my moods. I have started dog walking again now that the snow and ice has gone and I think that has helped slightly too. It’s made us realise that we need to make the time to walk each day as a family – to try to help the mental health of all four of us (like most families, the kids would much rather stay on their x-boxes/ netflix accounts if they had their way).
I couldn’t decide whether to write this post or not, but while I was walking today, I was thinking about how hard life is for so many people at the moment. Probably even harder than it is for me. And I think it’s important for people not to feel like they’re on their own. At times like this I’m certainly not brave or inspirational, but hopefully, if I can make one person know that it’s ok to be down, that it’s ok to feel unable to cope, and that accepting support from those around you is a good thing, then I’ll feel like the post is worthwhile.
I’m not ‘fine’ yet, but I do feel like I’m slowly moving in the right direction which is a relief. I’d imagine the family will find it a relief too….I’ve not been fun to be around and I think they’ve all been stepping on eggshells. Not something I’m proud of. But as always, they have loved me and supported me nonetheless, and, they are people I’m super proud of. And I am also grateful to those people who did send messages to me – I know I said not to, but they did help (even if I did find myself in tears a lot whilst reading them all!!).
Keep an eye out on your friends and family over the next few weeks. The ‘not knowing’ with covid, the feeling of isolation during a cold and dark lockdown, and the concept that despite vaccines, this could go on for some months, may make life feel very hard for people and they may try to hide it. Be kind, be observant and let’s all try to look after each other. xx